Harlows Head, Life

Harlow’s Head: ME 2.0

Believe or not believe.  Read or not read.  I don’t really care. Some call it a spiritual awakening, others mid-life crisis, and even a Uranus Opposition. I call it ME 2.0.

If you have lived your life trying to please other people rather than follow your own instincts, then it is likely that you will experience this transit as quite disturbing. You want to break out from restrictions and may act in ways that are quite out of character. You are likely to startle other people, and may even surprise yourself. – https://astrobox.wordpress.com/midlife-astrology/the-uranus-opposition/

I recently had a Reiki chakra alignment from a wonderful soul named Grace at the Academy of Holistic Arts. Let me just tell you non-believers. It’s real.  Energy is real.  Don’t believe me?  Run into a brick wall and tell me how you feel afterward.

We sat and talked about some repressed childhood issues I’ve suffered in this life and pasts.  She reiterated what my psychic median, Vida, mentioned before.  I have daddy issues. My father’s soul has been a part of my soul group for many lifetimes and we still very much have karmic issues to deal with. Now, he has not always been my father in past lives but we have never gotten closure from past traumas.  For those of you that don’t know me well enough, my father passed away suddenly when I was fourteen. Now, I have blamed a lot of his sudden void in my life to the current condition of my sacral chakra. I always wanted the attention of men and not always in a sexual manner.  I wanted their acceptance, rather it was helping out a friend or doing a favor for a male colleague. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.

I need to find balance and love myself and my sexuality. I need to feel whole again.  Compound that with the fact of my recent hysterectomy and yeah, my sacral is tattered.  Grace described it as the inside of a pumpkin.  Though still very much orange, the inside is stringy and not consistent. 

Last night I took a long bath, lit my candles, and just tried to absorb life into my body.  Which then I basically had a conversation with my vagina that went something along the lines of this.

“I got you girl. We are going to get through this.”  She, of course, is ignoring me.

Whew, hysterectomies.  They are no joke.  What they don’t tell you is the emotional turmoil attached to them.  Yes, I was on permanent birth control before but to lose your womb that nurtured and carried your children.  Well trust me when I say it IS a big deal.  Not to mention the healing process

I need to find a way to find myself in a way that I’ve always abused.  My sexuality.  I was a tomboy…a geek.  I wore huge glasses and had crooked teeth.  Little did I know at the time, I was ME then.  It was only after braces and contacts that boys/men started noticing me.  I didn’t know what to do with the attention.  I didn’t like it.  Then I fell into the same western stereotype to fit in.  I became obsessed with my weight, worked out to the point of exhaustion, and used my looks to get things I wanted. In a matter of a few years I had completely lost touch with myself.

So, my sacral because damaged. My connection to my feminine side was lost. I used sex as a weapon and mean to gain the things I wanted. And I say sex not as in the physical sense but a flirtatious gesture here and there I found will get you a long way.

Why am I telling you this? Because I see it every time I go outside or on the internet.  I’m not alone.  I blame the fucking Barbie doll.  We are taught to be skinny, wear makeup, get boob jobs etc from a very early age.  It’s sickening.

So, as I approach forty and my very own living mid-life crisis, here are somethings I have learned.

Weight is relative. It doesn’t matter how much you weight it’s how well you feel on the inside. I’m still fighting this one. I’ve had an eating disorder for as long as I can remember.  I am my worst critic.  Sigh. Baby steps Harlow.

Don’t be afraid to express your beliefs.  Trust me this is a hard one since I live in a republican bible belt. I had an argument with an old friend just yesterday about them saying I wasted my money getting a Reiki session.  You know what?  This is MY life. I don’t judge yours so let me live mine.

Stop letting people take advantage of you. This one is tricky since you might lose some friends over it.  It’s ok to help a friend out but you know when it’s gone to far.  Follow your intuitions and then ask yourself if the roles were reversed would they have done the same for you?  If the answer is no, move along.

Own up to your own actions.  Again, this one is hard for me. I tend to have a self destructive personality in all aspects of my life.  I’m working on it trust me but it still is very much a part of my life. I have to stop, take a deep breath and think “would your childhood self approve of this?”

Take time for yourself. I was telling a friend to do just this earlier.  It’s not selfish.  How do you expect to be a good mom, wife if you don’t take time for YOU?  Take a bath…go get a coffee…read a book.  WHATEVER makes YOU happy.  Do it!  I’m not saying go to a bar and stay out all hours of the night but carving some time for yourself is not selfish.  It’s mandatory.

Follow the signs. And I don’t mean road signs. Your gut feeling, your intuition is there for a reason.  USE IT.  If you feel that it’s a bad idea it probably is.  So tell your mind, your heart, or your vagina, if that is what is leading you, to shut the fuck up if you know in your soul that it’s a bad idea.

And lastly, don’t be afraid to call people out on their own bullshit. People HATE having their discrepancies thrown back in their face. It makes them have to OWN up to their own actions.  This is one part I love.  I’m brutally honest and people don’t realize that their actions hurt people. Ask them what they want or why they are doing this.  Nine times out of ten they will either leave you alone or admit they need to change.

As I’m typing this.  I know I’m broken.  It’s not something you can fix overnight.  I’ve been seeing 1:11, 11:11 and 2:22 for the past week.  My guides are trying to tell me something and I really wish I spoke guide.  All I can do is continue to meditative, pray, and continue my soulwork and that is not something that is fixed overnight.

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